Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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