I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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