I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
