White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
