here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
