I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
