I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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