Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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