dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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