ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
