Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize