your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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