she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize