Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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