Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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