my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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