1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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