If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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