I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
