dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
