I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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