he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just gift wrapped bread.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
