what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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