Swine flu. Run for my life!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You need Xanax blowdarts
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize