I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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