he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
