I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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