I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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