I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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