I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
