Jerry, you need to find god
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
