The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
