i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
