you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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