did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize