omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
