She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
