i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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