She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
