why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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