Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
