He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
we're so committed to being not committed
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
