trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
they need to just BURY HIM!
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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