Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
