a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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