I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
