grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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