my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
