Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
