god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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