Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
