Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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