I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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