I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
