DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
