Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
