I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
