you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
