i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
