Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
