I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
