I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
