Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
