Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
